Thursday, March 7, 2013

10 Ways to Know You've Gouged an Eye Out

There are times when you really need to know the answer to the question "Have I gouged out one of my eyes?"

The answer may not be as apparent as it seems- we all lead busy lives. Sometimes it's helpful to have a checklist. Some people have gone many years without realizing they were one-eyed. Some people can't figure out that the gaping, angry, seeping hole in their skull isn't their mouth or nose.

So I'd like to help out a little with a mere ten ways to know you've gouged an eye out.

1. If you're looking straight ahead but can still see the ground at your feet you've probably got a dangler.

2. If you're walking through the woods and then come across an eyeball on a tree limb, and then after counting your eyes several times you still only get to 1, it's probably yours. Unless you knew about this condition for several years. If the eye is human you had better dial 911.

3. If you've just put your contact lenses in but still have one left over, you had better check the floor.

4. If the tennis ball your dog is licking, all too vigorously, lacks the usual scruff but has some tendrils off the back end. And if it happens to be your eye color.

5. If your friends can look you in the eye. Literally.

6. If you've sat through lunch with Sarah Jessica Parker, and despite cleaning up your plate something is staring back at you. And it's not SJP if you know what I mean.

7. If you got a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. Technically you didn't gouge it out, but the result was the same. I want to thank Matt Svoboda personally for this one. Pssst- kids- it's time to sue your parents.

8. You're watching the closing credits of a Twilight movie with eyes half-closed, only to realize that half your eyes are closed.

9. Britney Spears. Disney. Sequestration. I know, that's three things, and you had better start counting your ocular options. If you have a particularly strong constitution it goes like this: grit your teeth, grab a spoon; use it.

10. If you have seamlessly roll-cast your dry fly and it sinks with a plop and something that is not your crotch starts to burn.

There are other ways to tell if you've gouged an eye out, but I haven't spent enough time here in Guantanamo.

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